Barry Trotter and the Series of Unexplained Events
by Psychotik Angel
Summary: Barry gets a branch up his ass, Lon gets a sexually harassed from a transexual and Ermine's Libido gets a workout (full of lemony goodness in chapter 3 but not very detailed)
1. As It comes with a tree branch

Chappie-1: As it comes (with a tree branch)  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters are mine (damn) or real! Also any spelling mistakes hereby are to be said as on purpose and are to be taken as jokkes!  
  
It was an unusually cold night, enough to give even the strongest person hypothermia yet the boy sitting in the tree did not seem to feel the cold. He sat among the branches with a fixed stare among his features giving him an unusually hostile expression. As he sat there the scar on his forehead throbbed, this was a good sign.  
  
It was most peculiar shaped, an interrobang.  
  
"They're almost there", he thought with a strange expression coming onto his face.  
  
He stared in the window fixing his stare ever more. The room was his own, along with his wives.  
  
It was late and he was getting bored, as he was about to just go back inside three women walked into his bedroom, one of witch was including his wife.  
  
They just stood there talking and laughing which if you were sitting in a tree with a branch up your ass would seem pretty boring. Finally after much coaxing the women started to undress, this is what he had been waiting for. Down to they're underwear they went until up in the tree the branch that he was sitting on broke off.  
  
Down he went down to the ground.  
  
"OWWW! That fucking hurt!"  
  
His wife heard the branch snap and rushed out still in her bra and underwear.  
  
"Barry what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm sitting here with a fucking branch shoved up my fucking ass, what do you think woman!"  
  
"I meant up in the tree you dick head?"  
  
"Pining for the fiords," he had heard that somewhere and it was the first thing that came into his head.  
  
"PINING FOR THE FIORDS? Do you even know what that means?"  
  
"I know it has something to do with Norway," he cheeked slyly.  
  
"Ah hu, just get up will you!" Barry got up with some help from his wife, while managing to cop a feel while she unstuck the branch from his ass.  
  
This man was Barry Trotter, (no not Harry Potter) and his wife was Ermine Cringer, (again not Hermione Granger) who over the years had somehow gotten married, (I think it had something to do with a night in Vegas with one too many wine spritsers and Ermine getting pregnant with their son Nigel Trotter (never mentioned before).  
  
You might be asking who the other women in the room were. Well it was Barry's 2nd 15th Birthday (young eh) (explained in Barry Trotter and the unnecessary Sequel, no I'm not going to tell you you'll just have to buy it)  
  
Anyway back to the story, it was Barry's 2nd 15th birthday and his wife being sooo nice while he goes through puberty a 2nd time got him some strippers in hopes his libido would reach the same level as hers but somehow Barry found out (Nigel) and he went to watch them get ready.  
  
It worked, (YES!) and later that night the coconut scented luv oil was brought out once again and details of what happened will not be revealed but I'll tell you that Barry got his birthday wish (still not telling!!! Ha ha ha!)  
  
In the morning Barry was rudely awoken by his owl Earwig holding an invitation to his birthday party in the Ho's Head Pub, (a strip club) in Hogsbleed.  
  
He quickly accepted and went to wake Ermine.  
  
Nigel wasn't allowed to go because he was a muddle, which lead to the smashing of many a bedroom but no problem, with on wave of her perfect wand Ermine cleaned it up perfectly. 


	2. The Hoe's Head seriously

CHAPPIE 2- THE HO'S HEAD (SERIOUSLY)  
  
Disclaimer: None of the Barry Trotter or Harry Potter characters are mine, they belong to J.K. Rowling and Micheal Gerber. Also any spelling mistakes are hereby to be known as on purpose and are to be seen as JOKKES  
  
Ermine never liked Barry going to strip clubs but because it was his birthday (and the thing with the libido) she made an exception. They were greeted at the front of the pub by their friends, which included Ferd and Jorge Measly, Hafwid and Lon.  
  
They greeted them all cheerfully, except for Lon in witch his dog brain had taken over and was urinating on a fire hydrant.  
  
In they're 6th year Lon as struck by a bugga playing quiddet and it lodged itself in his head. Further attempts to remove it forced the bugga to come out the other side of Lon's head. Nurse Pommefriet was famous for unnecessarily giving students animal parts and Lon ended up with a dog's brain. He still had a hole in the side of his head and when the wind blew in just the right direction it played a tune, which, if you were a muddle (not including Nigel of course) it would scare you, so he was made to wear one of those hats with earflaps.  
  
About an hour later Barry and Ferd went to find Ermine. They were looking around for a while when they saw a flash of brassiere, (which wasn't uncommon in a strip club).  
  
"There she is!" said Ferd pointing in it's direction.  
  
When Ermine got drunk she became an exhibitionist. Her friends had seen nearly every part of her body, (except for Barry who had seen ALL of hr body.  
  
They were about to go over there when an especially ugly transvestite stripper who was obviously drunk confronted them.  
  
"Hey I know you!" IT said in a feme-fake voice,  
  
"Your Harry and your Fred!"  
  
"No way! What kind of stupid ass gay names are Harry and Fred you freak, FuK oFf!" Barry and Ferd said simultaneously.  
  
The transvestite just laughed in their faces with their rum reeked breath before collapsing into Lon's crotch who was trying to check out some strippers dressed as poodles.  
  
Ermine who wasn't very far away came up to him and laughed out, "Lon! I didn't know you went that way!"  
  
Lon jumped up from his seat letting the transvestite fall to the floor and then fell to the floor himself whimpering. He had had a crush on Ermine for years.  
  
"There, there Lon, I was only joking." She said slightly embarrassed.  
  
Lon looked up at her and slyly humped her leg. She looked at him then at everyone else and then at herself before realising that she was only in high heals and a g-string.  
  
Barry was appalled and turned on a little at the same time, "so I have questions for you HOW MUCH and GIVE IT TO ME!"  
  
Ermine answered very smoothly, "Well Barry I'm appalled that you would ask such a thing, you know that I'm very flexible for you but not till later!" At the end of that speech Barry had just enough time to breath in "ALL RIGHT" before falling into a fit of laughter.  
  
Ermine went to get changed but not before gaining several tips from many gentlemen, including a very drunk Hafwid who gave he a $100 and his hotel room key.  
  
Later on:  
  
Barry was totally drunk, absolutely smashed if you will.  
  
He was the kind of drunk that went around punching people in the face, asking for tips and singing songs about little green goblins, which were a little offensive to some of the goblins that were actually in the bar.  
  
At one stage of the night he went up to Ermine and slapped her one and told the invisible little green goblin next to her to shut up! Ermine was so angry that she started to scream and shout and before anyone knew what had happened Ermine let out a mighty scream and yelled out,  
  
"Immupetise!"  
  
This was one of the tree deadly spells, Aveda Neutrogena (death by moisturising), Cruciverbia (death by crossword puzzle) and Immupetise, which put you under someone else's control.  
  
Anyway Barry froze up, just like he was being hypnotised. Ermine had this look of crazed anger that only an overworked housewife could understand. Suddenly, as if by magic (which it was) Barry started singing about the goblin while doing a strip tease. The song went a little like this,  
  
"See the little goblin, see his little dick, See his little apron, isn't he a prick!"  
  
Barry in his subconscious was glad that Nigel wasn't there because if being 15 and having a 43 year old wife and your 16 year old son being older than you wasn't embarrassing enough, he wouldn't know what his son would do if he walked into a dirty ho strip club and his mother was making his father do striptease while singing a song about goblins.  
  
"Well, that's a lot to think about Barry old mate!" His subconscious told him. 


	3. The Awakening

Chappie 2- the awakening (in which Nigel finally gets it right)  
  
Barry woke with a chainsaw rattling through his brain. "OWWWW! My fucking head!" he screamed throughout the house.  
  
"You got what you deserved!" Ermine said coldly, giving no sympathy to him in his weakened state, "you always get like this when you get drunk!"  
  
"That goblin was pinching your ass! I had to do something, it was disgusting!"  
  
Barry fake-choked to point out how disgusting he found it (you always do when you're a 15 year old boy.)  
  
"Well I want you to stop drinking its going to stunt your growth AGAIN!"  
  
"No Ermine, I can't live without my piss, I'll shrivel up and die!"  
  
"No arguing! I've made up my mind. Your not fucking drinking and that's that! GEEZ! You'd think I was your fucking mother the way you carry on! And don't try that sympathy stuff on me, it doesn't work for Nigel and it won't work for you!"  
  
Barry was about to answer back when the wall next to them started banging. It was coming from Nigel's room.  
  
"Good on 'im!" Barry enthusiastically, "I wonder who the lucky chick is?"  
  
"You don't think........." She started.  
  
"I do think, he's 16 it's about time he started getting some."  
  
"I'm going to see what's going on," Ermine said, "and don't try to stop me!"  
  
INSIDE NIGEL'S ROOM!  
  
"Ummm...what do I do now? Oh, where do I put this?"  
  
"I'm not real, I can't tell you what to do!"  
  
"Ooopps! I don't think I did it right!?!"  
  
Nigel was reading Naughty Naiads magazine (oct. edition) and like everything else in the wizarding world their magazines were magic. The naiads came right out of the magazine!  
  
He still hadn't been able to get it right! (He was a bit dim, even for a muddle!)  
  
He heard someone coming up the stairs so he quickly slid the magazine under his badly made bed.  
  
"Nigel what are you doing in there?" He heard his mother calling from the other side of his door.  
  
"Nothing!" He quickly replied without thinking.  
  
"Don't give me nothing young man," she started. Adults have to say things like that to make them fell important.  
  
"I know there's someone in there with you,"  
  
"No there isn't! Honestly!" Nigel breathed panting.  
  
"Why are you breathing so heavily then?" Nigel didn't have time for this; he had to go meet his girlfriend, Sam.  
  
"Come in and see for yourself then, I've been doing sit-ups."  
  
"On your bed?"  
  
That one was hard to explain. All he could come up with was an, "Uh hu, right mum, whatever you reckon!" and ran down the stairs and out of the door before anyone could ask him any more questions.  
  
"I honestly don't know what's up with that boy!" Ermine nervously began as she walked back into their bedroom.  
  
Barry still hadn't gotten up. He was sitting laid back on the bed looking at her dreamily.  
  
"You know what I think," he said brisk fully.  
  
"What do you think?" Ermine curiously said with a touch of friskiness.  
  
"I think that we should fuck again!"  
  
Honestly Barry had become so horny during puberty this time around that even Ermine had trouble keeping up with him, (and that's saying something!)  
  
But she had no problem with this of course!  
  
Barry was so drunk the night before he had no idea what he was doing! In her description he was UNmanly and rugged, screaming all girly-like!  
  
She threw herself on top of him and stripped so fast that you would have had to replay it in ultra-ULTRA-ULTRA slow motion to watch it!  
  
"Barry, Oh my GOD BARRY!" Ermine screamed through the crashing of the bed.  
  
"WHAT woman?" He yelled through half exhausted breathes.  
  
"It's called an Orgasm Barry, in case you hadn't heard of it!" She lay back exhausted.  
  
"Just shut up and fuck me woman, I ain't finished yet!" Then he started up again!  
  
Nigel opened the door slowly trying to make sure that his mother didn't hear him or the girl he was with.  
  
They climbed the stairs and went into Nigel's room and closed the door. The girl in question was Nigel's girlfriend, Sam.  
  
She had never been in Nigel's room before so she walked around looking at everything.  
  
Nigel however, wanted something more from her than just seeing his room, (you know what I'm talking about).  
  
She turned around and there he was, lying on his bed, sprawled out comfortably.  
  
"So? Waddaya think?" He smirked.  
  
"I see what I like, and I like what I see!!" Sam said also smirking.  
  
Climbing up the bed she undressed as she went, as did Nigel.  
  
By the time she got to him she was in her lingerie, which she had conveniently worn.  
  
Nigel was wearing his same, old boxer shorts that he wore every day. Sam didn't care though, she just laughed.  
  
Back in Barry and Ermine's room they were going at it harder than ever before.  
  
If you were a total stranger in they're house you could have sworn that there was a series of barn animals bouncing on a trampoline in they're room.  
  
Unexplained minutes and uncountable orgasms later, Barry and Ermine finished.  
  
"Hang on a tick," Barry said to Ermine who was breathing heavily after her last orgasm.  
  
"We've stopped, so what's that noise?"  
  
"I told you he was getting some, but did you believe me? Nooooooooo" he teased.  
  
"Oh ha ha, very funny!" She said sarcastically.  
  
(Back again to Nigel's bedroom)  
  
"nigel, NigEL!, NIGEL!!!!!"  
  
This was obvious to him that he had done it right this time! This again obviously made him very happy!  
  
They still hadn't ceased bonking when suddenly Ermine and Barry opened the door.  
  
"OH MY GOD! NIGEL!" Ermine practically bellowed.  
  
"Good on ya son!" Barry chirped.  
  
Sam and Nigel both screamed, still conjoined in a rather compromising position.  
  
"What's that weird kid from school that always calls you son doing here?" Sam questioned.  
  
"Oh..........I.....................I'm fucking the mother!"  
  
"That's all you could come up with?" Ermine sadly distributed.  
  
"Uh mum, BARRY...........(you wouldn't want to blow that your dad is younger than you in the middle of giving it to your girlfriend now would you? NO? I didn't think so either)................We're kind of in the middle of something here.  
  
"Well.................just finish it up and come downstairs will you, I have to give you a medal!" Barry screamed in delight before getting slapped around the ears by Ermine.  
  
Neither of them felt that they could do anymore anyhow so they both got dressed again and went downstairs.  
  
"Oh........I wasn't expecting you down here for another few minutes, I haven't finished the medal!"  
  
Barry jumped up still cheerful and put a medal around Nigel's neck.  
  
Ermine, however wasn't so enthusiastic.  
  
"Now............................ I have to say something to you TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'" 


End file.
